Wednesday, June 10, 2009
I'm obsessing over a lost love
ask angela–”I’m obsessing over a lost love”June 4th, 2009 Dear AngelaI read your blog often, it is interesting and very helpful. I was wondering if you could help with a situation I am struggling with? Recently I received a phone call from someone that I have not been in contact with for almost 2 years. The phone call was to tell me he thinks about me all the time and is attracted to me and can’t seem to get over it…but he is in a serious committed relationship and has been for years and doesn’t know what to do about his feelings now.2 years ago we were flirting but I could tell it was not going anywhere and I just had to acknowledge that this guy was just not interested in me. So I cut all ties and I have to say I did pretty good I am proud of myself, he even called a couple of times and I never called him back or attempted any contact.Now after this phone call 3 weeks ago I am right back to the way I was 2 years ago, thinking about him constantly! I try to do things I enjoy draw, read, sew and I just sit there and think about him, it is sickening. I feel like I am ENGULFED in his energy again, like I am caught in a bubble with him and I can’t get out of it. I know this obsessing over someone will block my true Life Partner from entering my life. Do you have any tips or exercises to help with this? DEAR READER:As you know, we attract those who reflect us. It feels like you each share a fear of intimacy, yet you each long for the feelings that intimacy initially creates.. but eschew the feelings of fear that it later creates. When he is unavailable, then the desire outweighs fears, and the remembrance of the way things felt when things were new come back with a vengeance.. why not, nothing can actually happen to make you act on those desires right now, so it is “safe”. When he is committed and things become mundane, his desire for the newness that he once felt is strong, and his fear/aversion to true intimacy with his partner is grows. You may be the last person that he remembers sharing those intense feelings of new love with, you are unavailable/forbidden fruit—therefore safe- and the feelings can be strong. You have to look at this with your head and not your heart. You have to see this as a recipe to heartache and remind yourself that it is the way he made you feel that you might miss more than himself—and that you can have these feelings with someone more available if you will open your heart and be willing to take a risk. You have to sort of talk to yourself as if you were talking to a child. Remind yourself that you deserve better and that this feeling is rooting in an idea more than in something more substantial… he will run, or you will run if you had the chance to be in a true committed relationship a this time—just like he is running from the one he has now. You can see him, maybe, as a template- a proto-type maybe, of what you might hope for in a partner, but keep reminding yourself that you are willing to allow love to be in your life—close up—not just at a distance. If you feel strongly about it, make an effort– I don’t want you to feel you missed out. But stay balanced and don’t let your heart run away. I wish you the best of luck.