Monday, May 8, 2017
this is to be a chapter in life at the moores.. just silliness
SNORING, CATS, AND THE NIGHT JAMES TRIED TO KILL ME (unedited)
I need sleep. I am not getting nearly enough sleep. I almost had a good sleep last night, except starting in the middle of the night about every five minutes or so, James had the nerve to wake me up and callously lie to me by complaining that I was snoring the house down. He even had more nerve to suggest that I should take my snoring elsewhere.. as if. My daughter Jayme has informed me that we actually often snore in unison in the perfect nocturnal harmony of a long married couple. Oddly, she finds that irritating and wears ear plugs and brings a sound machine when visiting. Usually, however, when my sleep is disturbed it is due to the fact that cats are randomly annoying during the night. For whatever reason, Bam-Bam, our big gray kitty, likes to have late night conversations with me and enjoys our little strolls to his food dish (totally full) for a late night snack. Sometimes, he invites me to go outside for a 1 am run around the yard: he is friendly that way. I hated to hurt his feelings, but I had to start closing the doggie door to our room, because, mama needs to sleep! That was somewhat helpful, but then our Stampy Cat took up the cat baton by hiding in the deep recesses of the closet just before bed time. He has the gift of invisibility, but makes himself known about 4 am by complaining about his accommodations and after demanding a full refund (he pays in advance via slaughtered rodents), expecting himself to be released back into the house where he and Bam-Bam stage protests, riots and sometimes love-ins for the remainder of the evening. I'm thinking they may even produce a dramatic play on occasion.
Because of all this cat nonsense, I thought that the mewing that I heard outside my bedroom window a few nights ago was just another annoying cat trick. However, it was annoying enough that I got out of bed to chase any visitor cats away. However, nothing was seen when I peered out the door into the darkness. I went back to bed and just as I relaxed once more, the mewing started again. I got up and looked out the window that is just beside the bed, but the sound had stopped again. I laid back down, snuggled up again to the man, and again, I hear mewing. I tried to ignore it. It got louder. I noticed that not only was it louder, it was becoming quite rhythmic. After a few more mews, I realized it was NOT a kitty cat, but James's NOSE. He was doing an amazing job of impersonating a kitten, if I do say so, but after a couple of punches (mild ones) he rolled over and sleep finally ensued.
One reason that James's late night complaining sent me into a mini rage, is that he is the king, the sultan, the absolute ruler of night-time drama. He snorts, chortles, wheezes, kicks, laughs, talks, jerks and possibly levitates at night. Often, he will sit up and have a good laugh at the dead TV, and then quickly lie down again, resuming his flouncing and kicking.
After one particularly exasperating night of his nonsense, I was finally able to settle down and through sheer will power was ignoring his endless parade of dramatic acoustics and twitching, fall asleep. Just as I was experiencing a peaceful floating feeling, I felt James sit up and lean over me. I assumed it was to grab a tum off of my end table. I assumed wrongly, because when he was about 3 inches from my face, he screamed as if he had been lit on fire at the top of his lungs! He then sat bolt up right, screamed some more before turning to his own end table and began beating the tar out of it- while also screaming at it as well. Suddenly, he seemed pretty satisfied with himself and laid down and IMMEDIATELY began mild and peaceful snoring.
Meanwhile, I knew for sure I had found Jesus because I fully felt I was physically arriving in heaven at any second. I was unable to move for quite a few minutes while I wondered if he would be arrested and tried for manslaughter or murder when they found my completely white haired mortal remains in the morning. I also wondered, in case I wasn't dead, if any jury would convict me if I did him in right then and there.
Fortunately, we both survived, and I can live on to tell about it. But, if I'm waking him up on a rare occasion with my lady like snoring... well, let's just say he owes me one.