Thursday, June 4, 2020

Here is a story (award winning! Lol) that you might enjoy about my husband, James

a silly story but a winner of a newspaper contest... (James)
My husband James has decided to stop smoking- I just hope the he-- and I-- will survive the transition.
Lately one morning, he seemed to be taking it especially hard. Since James is the sweetest man ever, this morning was especially hard to imagine.
We needed air in a tire so we pulled up to an air/vacuum machine which was still running from previous use.  However, it was a mischievous machine-- a prankster type that enjoys keeping money and blowing when it should have sucked, etc.  He literally leapt from the still rolling truck while throwing into park in mid jump-- yelled at me to jump out quickly and unscrew the cap of the tire, grabbed the hose and ran racing around the truck when it stopped running the second he touched it to the tire valve. It stopped the second it touched the valve. He was so aggravated, but we finally dug up 3 quarters. He put them in the machine, and -- NOTHING. I think it might have sniggered, but NO air. James lost it. He decided to teach it a lesson it would not soon forget and gave it a swift kick right in it's CEMENT bottom.  The machine secretly laughed. James then did a dance– not unlike a monkey on a drunken binge. He was mad though and figured he could take it out with his bare hands and began to b-slap it about on it’s stainless steel body. The machine was slightly interested but held firm to it’s principles and James’s money. James did another dance interpretation of the dance of the broken hand. He then swore he would take complete vengeance and cut up the hose. Fortunately, james does not carry a knife. he did however whip out a lighter and preceded to attempt to set it on fire. At this point, the machine actually became concerned for James’s well being and blew out the lighter, and I managed to get him in the truck.  Poor James finally settled down and we went to the next store where we preceded to insert 2 quarters into a nicer machine which kindly gave us air. Since there was some time left over, James took the vacuum hose and switched it over to vacuum for the remaining time. Evidently, the other machine had sent this one an email telling him of James and his antics because (and I am not making this up) the second he switched it to vacuum, the hose grabbed on full force to his crotch. James did not know whether to be afraid, attacked or pleasured but he was certainly surprised. He disengaged himself, slunk over to the truck, and vacuumed his side of the vehicle silently.
Evidently the withdrawal was not over.
Sometimes, James will wake me up in middle of the night frozen in terror because of something had has startled him. He enjoys spreading the fear around as he will whisper loudly and deeply into my sleeping ear "a-n-n-n-g-g-e."  This of course wakes me up with the onset of yet another heart attack, but He seems to think that I am capable of fending off any sort nightly intruders.
            That night, on my way to bed, I noticed that James had plugged in something to be charged. It was glowing green, and I thought nothing of it.
            I had finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep when James's terrified voice filters in-- "a-a-a-annnnggge... what is that?" referring to the glowing light. It seems that it appeared to James to be in the sky and headed toward our bedroom. I tried to explain to no avail. I reassured him it was his charger. He denied it was his charger, and in fact doubted in the existence of chargers altogether. He felt certain, in fact, that it was aliens and they were coming straight for us. In fact, he was quite convinced they were flashing green right in our room. He said later he wanted to pray but couldn't find the words to do so.
I’m hopeful the nicotine is gone for good so that James can relax and finally, so can I.

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